Real Life Stories

This is so unlike me to post TWO posts in one week! Crazy. However, today I read a post that was talking about celebrities who are open about their mental illnesses, and I came across one that I hadn't seen before. It was Brittany Snow (the Brittany Snow that was in Pitch Perfect, John Tucker Must Die, and Hairspray). She has been open to the public about her struggle with anorexia, depression, and self-mutilation. After finding this out I did a little research and read her story about her struggle with her eating disorder.

As I read her story I couldn't believe the similarities in our lives, thoughts, and development of our eating disorders. I thought that it would be a good idea to include her story here on my blog and include some of my thoughts. Brittany has a beautiful story of recovery and I hope you enjoy getting another example to help you further understand what it's like living with this debilitating, evil, and deadly mental illness. And for those of you that have just started tuning into this blog, I encourage you to read my own story here.

I will highlight parts of the article and my thoughts will be written in red

Here is Brittany Snow's article:

"You know Brittany Snow as the perfectly coiffed vixen Amber Von Tussle in Hairspray (right), the conniving cheerleader in John Tucker Must Die or the girl next door on the former NBC series American Dreams. Until now, few outside her tight inner circle knew that through her own teen years, Snow battled anorexia, depression and self-mutilation. Now recovered and working with the Jed Foundation (www.jedfoundation.org) to encourage others to seek help, Snow, 21, recounted her struggle, and her courageous path to recovery, with PEOPLE's Lisa Ingrassia.

I always had in my mind that being skinny was better, even as a little girl. But I was never chubby or overweight. At age 12 I was on Guiding Light, and I wanted to be accepted by these adults I was working with. I started with the Eat Right for Your Type diet. A friend who was a little older was doing it. I have a perfectionist personality, so I wanted to do the best job I could. I was not eating anything it said not to. It was almost fun for me, like a little experiment. Then I moved on to other diets. The cabbage diet, the salmon diet—I don't even like salmon!—the Zone, Atkins, Slim Fast. When I started losing weight, I got compliments from people I looked up to on the show. Soon, I was addicted to getting results. That's how it started, but it progressed rather quickly. (Does this sound familiar? Like from my post earlier this week? "Healthy Eating or Disordered Eating"
Within a month, Snow lost 10 lbs. from her then 5'3" frame.

My parents knew that I was dieting. A misperception about anorexia is that you don't eat. Not true. Maybe you eat just 500 calories a day. It would be easy for me to say, "Why didn't my parents notice?" But I didn't want them to. I made sure to eat half a sandwich around my parents. One misconception about anorexics is that they don't eat anything, but that isn't usually the case. Those struggling with anorexia mostly have a problem with restricting food. They try very hard to hide it from everyone, and this also contributes to them denying that they have a problem.

But then came the sadness and thinking I was a terrible person for eating the sandwich. I wanted to be a good girl, so I'd stick to "good" foods: salad, grilled chicken, mustard. Splenda in everything. In the lunch room at school, everyone would be like, "I'm not eating fries today." I thought, "I don't eat fries at all." My fear of fries made me realize I was different from my peers.

By age 14, she weighed 87 lbs. and Guiding Light's producers called her into their office to talk.

I was told that viewers were writing in, saying I had lost a lot of weight. The scary thing is, that made me happy. That people were worried meant this was going well. (A sign of victory in the eyes of an eating disorder) The producers told me not to go to the gym as much. But I would literally have an anxiety attack if I didn't go to the gym, because I felt like I was such a bad person.

I kept thinking, "Once you get to a specific number, you're going to be happy." At age 13, my number was 97 lbs. I got to 97 and, of course, that wasn't good enough. I got to 92. Not good enough. That's the illness: You'll never get there. I was 85 lbs. at my 2000 homecoming dance. But I wanted my collarbones and hip bones to show more. I'd feel my hip bones to make sure they were out. If not, I had more weight to lose. I lost my period until I was 17. I loved that. It meant I wasn't healthy, and I didn't want to be healthy.

In 2002, Snow, 16, moved to L.A. to star in American Dreams. She was 5'4" and back to 100 lbs. Soon after, she began cutting herself.

You can starve for only so long. I started eating, and depression kicked in. I wasn't getting "Gosh, you've lost so much weight!" And that wasn't okay. I worked out up to three hours a day. I felt shame that I was 100 lbs. Anorexics are supposed to be 50 lbs. Eating disorders come in all shapes, sizes, and weights. Anorexics feel like they've failed if they're not emaciated. 

That's where the cutting came in. The more I couldn't control my eating, the more I did it. I wanted to look at my wrist and be like, "See what you did? You ate ____." It wasn't about the food. It was an emotional problem. I wanted it to bleed, but I didn't want to kill myself. It was about hurting myself so I could feel bad, cry and let it out.

Two different boyfriends saw the scars. But they chalked it up to me being dramatic. Or I'd get a massage and there would be a moment when the masseuse held my wrists and I'd smile and say, "It's okay, keep going." No one ever talked about it.

When I was 16, I read an article in a magazine about a model who was anorexic and bulimic and cut herself. I burst into tears. I saw myself. The model talked about how she got help and has an amazing life—I carried around that article in my back pocket for a month, to feel like there was hope. That article saved my life.

My dad was the first person to whom I admitted what was going on. He didn't understand, but he wanted so desperately to. In 2003 he got me a therapist. But I wasn't ready. As much as the anorexia and cutting were painful, I still needed them. As hard as it may be for those that have to watch their loved ones slowly waste away, most of the time you can't force them to change. They can only begin to recover when they want to recover.

Finally I went into the hospital when I was 19 for depression and for cutting. I wasn't the person I wanted to be and I knew something was wrong.

The therapist diagnosed me with anorexia, exercise bulimia—instead of throwing up you go to the gym for hours—depression and body dysmorphia. All that, and yet I still had a career! It's shocking how many people in the business have great careers and this too, and don't talk about it. It's that drive and perfectionism.

I was about 110 lbs. when I went in. Being anorexic doesn't necessarily mean you're on the brink of death. It can mean that you were once at a dangerous weight and that mentality is still with you. They try to teach you how to eat normally. Gaining weight was scary. But I felt better. What helped was connecting with other people. I wanted to be there for them. It was the most amazing feeling to get out of my own head and listen to somebody else.

After nearly a month of treatment, I left a few days early to go straight to the set of John Tucker Must Die. I had gained about 10 lbs. I was 120, which isn't big. But I can understand why the producers wanted me in shape for a scene in my underwear. They were nice about it. They hired a trainer and suggested a diet.

Thank goodness for my costars, Sophia Bush and Arielle Kebbel. I told them, "You have to look out for me, because this is so hard." We would work out together and then they would pull me off the treadmill, and Sophia would be like, "Maybe you should eat this!" We had slumber parties. I started having fun, which was unheard of. Before, it was, "I can't have fun. I can't go eat a burger with my friends. How many calories are in that burger?" When I was getting better I met my boyfriend, Michael Johnson, a drummer in a band called Capra. Before, I never would have gone for a guy like him because I was so unloving to myself.

Today, being able to have a conversation and not think about what I'm eating? Amazing. I still see a therapist, but I eat like a normal person. I don't count calories—and I know the calories in every food. I go to the gym three times a week and do Pilates three times a week, but not for more than an hour. It's not healthy.

This past April I found out two of my friends from the hospital had died of anorexia. They had kids, jobs, and were amazing women. So when the Jed Foundation, which brings awareness about mental health disorders and suicide in college students, asked me to make an educational video, I thought, talking about my experience is something I can do to help. After the video aired, it made me sad that people thought I did it for publicity. I did it because people are misinformed. I hope this is an article that someone will carry in her pocket, maybe a girl who doesn't understand what's going on when she looks at pictures of celebrities getting skinnier and skinnier.

I'm an actress, and because of the way Hollywood is, I do have to watch what I eat. No one has told me I need to look a certain way, and that's great. The eating disorder will always be a part of my life. Some days, I think I'd like to be a size 0, but realistically, I think, "Come on, Brit. You're great." 


http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20160838,00.html 

Healthy Eating or Disordered Eating?

I want to start off by saying thank you to all of my readers! Whether you are reading because you are a friend of mine and have wanted to know more about what I struggled with, or if you are someone who is struggling yourself and are looking for help. I am so grateful for your support. Each of you has made me feel loved.

I have debated not posting anymore on this blog because I didn't want to be know for my eating disorder. I don't know that it's something I necessarily want everyone I meet to know about. My eating disorder is something that I have conquered, that I have beat, and for a little while I was wondering if this blog was hindering me from moving past it. Then I remembered why I started this blog; to help others understand what it's like to have an eating disorder, and more importantly to help those who are struggling. The people I have met may not have an eating disorder or depression but they may know someone that could really benefit from reading this. So with that thought in mind, I will continue...

There is something I have been wanting to write about on this blog that I think applies to a wide variety of people. It is something that is becoming more common in society today that all my readers need to be aware of:

HEALTHY EATING: WHEN DOES IT BECOME AN EATING DISORDER?

I have been reading some articles to study for writing this post. While reading these articles, I cannot believe how many people struggle with what is called Orthorexia Nervosa. The unofficial definition of Orthorexia Nervosa is a term which literally means “fixation on righteous eating.”  Orthorexia starts out as an innocent attempt to eat more healthfully, but orthorexics become fixated on food quality and purity.  They become consumed with what and how much to eat, and how to deal with “slip-ups.”  Every day is a chance to eat right, be “good,” rise above others in dietary mastery, and self-punish if temptation wins (usually through stricter eating, fasts and exercise).

So when does healthy eating become disordered eating? When your self-worth gets dragged into it. Self-esteem becomes wrapped up in the purity of orthorexics’ diet and they sometimes feel superior to others, especially in regard to food intake.

Those who battle with Othorexia Nervosa may seem like very healthy people. Some may even envy their iron-clad will. Why not? We all want to be healthy, right? Well there is nothing healthy about how they are living. They are in a mental prison. Eventually food choices become very restrictive, in both variety and calories, that their health begins to suffer – which is ironic for a person who is so completely dedicated to healthy eating.  The fixation with healthy eating can start to then force out other activities and interests, impair relationships, and become physically dangerous.

Anorexia is defined as "a lack of appetite for food; an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight." Well, orthorexia has a lot in common with anorexia, and in my opinion, is a  dangerous road to anorexia, bulimia, and/or binge eating. When food becomes more than just something that fuels your body, that's when it starts to become a problem.

Orthorexia appears to be motivated by health, but there are underlying motivations, which can include safety from poor health, compulsion for complete control, escape from fears, wanting to be thin, improving self-esteem, searching for spirituality through food, and using food to create an identity.

The diet of orthorexics can actually be unhealthy, with nutritional deficits specific to the diet they have imposed upon themselves.  These nutritional issues may not always be apparent. Social problems are more obvious.  Orthorexics may be socially isolated, often because they plan their life around food.  They may have little room in life for anything other than thinking about and planning food intake.  Orthorexics lose the ability to eat intuitively – to know when they are hungry, how much they need, and when they are full.   Instead of eating naturally they are destined to keep “falling off the wagon,” resulting in a feeling of failure familiar to followers of any diet. If that's not disordered eating, I don't know what is. Their obsession with food brings on depressive and OCD manners.

I would like to point out one line from the last paragraph: "Orthorexics lose the ability to eat intuitively – to know when they are hungry, how much they need, and when they are full." How can something that is supposedly "healthy" destroy your body's natural instincts? Doesn't that make it UNnatural?? One thing I am very glad the Center for Change helped me learn was intuitive eating. Intuitive eating is becoming more attuned to the body's natural hunger signals. It is a more effective way to attain a healthy weight, rather than keeping track of the amounts of energy and fats in foods. Your body has its own signals that tell you what your body needs. If you want something "natural" you should be doing what humans have been doing since the beginning of time: eating intuitively.

There was a questionnaire on one of the articles I read, and if you read my last post (Admitting You Have a Problem) I did one and I think they are really helpful. If you are unsure if you have Orthorexia Nervosa, ask yourself these questions and they may clear it up for you.

• Do you wish that occasionally you could just eat and not worry about food quality?
• Do thoughts about food (calories, fat, sodium, ingredients) fill your mind throughout the day?
• Do you ever wish you could spend less time on food and more time living and loving?
• Does it seem beyond your ability to eat a meal prepared with love by someone else – one single meal – and not try to control what is served?
• Are you constantly looking for ways foods are unhealthy for you?
• Do love, joy, play and creativity take a back seat to following the perfect diet?
• Do you feel guilt or self-loathing when you stray from your diet?
• Do you feel in control when you stick to the “correct” diet?
• Have you put yourself on a nutritional pedestal and wonder how others can possibly eat the foods they eat? 

Following a healthy diet does not mean you are orthorexic, and nothing is wrong with eating healthfully.  It IS a problem when 1) it is taking up an inordinate amount of time and attention in your life; 2) deviating from that diet is met with guilt and self-loathing; and/or 3) it is used to avoid life issues and leaves you separate and alone.

Food is supposed to be something to enjoy. It fills your body and soul with wonderful things!

Once again I will end by saying that if you think you are struggling or need someone to talk to, please reach out to someone. Strive for a better, happier life. It is worth it and it is possible!



PS If there is anything you would like me to write about, any questions you have about my eating disorder personally or in general, tips or questions on how to help a loved one or even yourself, or anything else you can think of, just leave me a comment. I would love to hear feedback!

Admitting You Have A Problem

I am terrible at keeping up with this blog, as I have said numerous times before, but I really felt like I needed to write a post. Because I go so long between posts, I may forget everything I've written in the past which means my posts may talk about things I've already addressed in previous posts which might feel redundant for my readers. However, if it is repetitive it must mean it's important, right? Not to mention I created this blog to help others who are struggling, who might need to hear what I have to say in a different way than before. With that being said, I hope you enjoy this post...

A problem I have realized that I need to address on this blog is that some people who may be struggling with an eating disorder may not even know it. Looking back on my years of battling my eating disorder, I had no idea that I was "anorexic". I remember admitting it to one of my high school friends early on and thinking that it sounded so wrong for me to come out and say it, meaning it must not be true and that I must just be dramatic. I never talked about it again until college, just months before I went into treatment. 

For me, actually saying the words "I have an eating disorder" meant that I didn't. The fact that I was saying those words cancelled everything out (if that makes sense). I remember my mom taking me to the doctor to verify me medically withdrawing from college. The doctor asked me why I came in that day and I just looked at my mom. All I could think was "I'm not sick. I don't know why I'm here". I was utterly embarrassed when I had to say "I think I have an eating disorder". I thought I sounded like an idiot and I did not believe what I was saying.

So if you combine the fact that I thought admitting I was anorexic with the fact that I didn't even think I had an eating disorder, you can understand why I did not try to get help sooner than 7 or 8 years after my eating disorder began. I've said this before, but I had no idea that my restricting of food and compulsive exercising weren't normal and that they were in fact, a problem. 

So when did it hit me that I was slowly killing myself? Well I don't think I truly believed it until a few weeks into treatment. It was hard for me because I didn't think I looked like the "typical" anorexic girl that is just skin and bones. My first day at treatment I noticed girls that were much smaller than I was. I felt like I had some weight on me, too much weight, despite being 30 pounds lighter than I am now! (Crazy, huh?)

One thing that started to open my eyes that I might be doing something wrong was my evaluation to get into the Center for Change. They asked me questions about my behaviors and it started to open my eyes (at least a little bit, anyways). I thought that I would put together my own questionnaire that those of you that think you might be struggling with an eating disorder can ask yourselves. Some of the questions are things that I battled with in my eating disorder and some questions I pulled from the Center for Change questionnaire. I want to point out that I AM NOT A DOCTOR, PSYCHIATRIST, OR A PROFESSIONAL ON EATING DISORDERS IN ANY WAY. I would also like to point out that these questions might be a little more biased just to those struggling with anorexia because that is what I personally went through, but there are MANY forms of eating disorders. They come in all shapes and sizes just like us! I will post a link to the Center for Change website if you need further help. Here we go:

1. Do you find yourself restricting foods?

2. Are you constantly counting calories, fat, carbs, etc.?

3. Do you find yourself constantly thinking about food? 

4. Do you feel anxious thinking about upcoming meals or social events that might involve food?

5. Do you feel the need to exercise every day, sometimes multiple times a day?

6. Do you feel panicked if you cannot exercise as you had planned in fear of gaining weight?

7. Do family and friends comment on how thin you are but you don't believe them or disagree?

8. Has your period ceased or become irregular with no medical reason?

9. Would you panic if you stepped on the scale tomorrow and found that you had gained 2 pounds?

10. Do you prefer to eat alone where no one can see you eat?

11. Do you find yourself going on uncontrollable eating binges to the point where you make yourself vomit?

12. Do you use laxatives as a mean of weight control?

13. Do you not allow yourself to eat certain types of foods?

14. Do you find yourself doing "rituals" when you eat (ie cutting your food up really small, hiding food so people will think you ate it, etc)?

15. Do people around you push you to eat food, and you find yourself getting angry at them?

16. Have you started feeling more depressed and/or wanting to spend more time alone?

17. Do you enjoy making food for others but not letting yourself eat it?

18. Is your biggest fear gaining weight?

19. Do you obsess over your weight, not letting yourself get above a certain number?

20. Is it important for you to be thinner than everyone around you?

If you answered yes to these some or all of these questions please reach out to someone; a friend, family, your bishop (if you are LDS), maybe even a treatment center? If you are not ready to talk to anyone of these people, you are welcome to reach out to me. My email is karissa.stanley13@gmail.com . 

Life DOES NOT have to be this way. I can honestly say that people CAN fully recover from an eating disorder. I prove that more and more every day. If i had taken this "quiz" 3 years ago, I would have answered almost every question with a yes. But let me remind you, If you didn't answer yes to most/all of these questions, that doesn't mean your not struggling or that you're "not good enough" (as our eating disorders might tell us). 

The first step is admitting you have a problem, that you are struggling, and need help. The second step, and equally as scary, is actually getting the help. You are not alone in this battle. You can find strength in those around you.

Fight the good fight.

http://centerforchange.com/

"Try"

I have been wanting to write a post for awhile now but I can never get myself to sit down and do it, but I finally gave in tonight. There has been so many things on my mind that I thought would be good to write about. Hopefully I can write a few posts in the next little while, especially since I don't post very often (sorry about that). The number one thing I want to write about is based on the song "Try" by Colbie Caillat. If you haven't heard it, you really should! I will post the lyrics at the bottom of the page.

The song talks about someone going to the extremes to ensure that people like them. They do their  make-up, make sure their hair is perfect, lose weight, having the perfect outfit, etc. It rings so true to many girls (and guys too) growing up right now. They think that the most important thing in life, the meaning of life, is to make sure everyone approves of you. It sounds crazy but at the same time it makes sense. They aren't secure in themselves that they need other peoples' approval to let them know that they are living life "right". 

I can't begin to explain how true this was for me. I wanted so badly to be accepted by anyone I came in contact with. I have come to realize that it is IMPOSSIBLE to do this. The funny thing is, the more I tried to be liked by my peers, the less liked I felt. My every thought was based on what other people would think. When I would look back at my high school experience, I would think that people didn't even know who I was and I was ultimately not liked, despite my efforts.

There are so many different types of people. If you try to be accepted by every person then you CANNOT be yourself. You just become a jumbled mess of everyone else. Who can be all 7 billion people in 1? 

Today, for the first time since getting healthy, I looked at a picture of myself from back when I was deep in my eating disorder...and it was scary. Not only did I look unhealthy but I looked so hollow, so dead inside. There was no part of Karissa left. It is astounding how different I am in every way from  that "Karissa", or whoever the heck I was. Why am I so different? 1 reason: I am now ME. I don't hide behind make-up and hairspray, I don't try to fit into a mold that the world has created, I don't live my life trying to impress everyone I come in contact with; and let me tell you, I feel so free.  I have  now gained my own opinions, discovered my own style, and grown comfortable in my own skin. I love being Karissa Dawn Stanley and I know that I am one of a kind, 100% me. 

That being said, it doesn't mean I don't get inspired by other people or look up to others. Many of my likes, dislikes, opinions, etc., come from my husband. Not because I feel the need to be a certain person for him, but because we view life the same way. We still disagree on some things and I almost prefer it that way. It comforts me to know that I have my own unique thoughts and I know that I am not molding to other people.

I get a little sad when I see girls I'm friends with on Facebook that are just a cookie-cutter of every other girl (which I'm pretty sure is a collage of pins on Pinterest). They always have their hair done up, their make-up is so thick that it is practically a mask, and they always have to be in the "latest" clothes. Let me tell you, a life like this is such a burden. Everything they do has to be accepted by everyone else. No one (and I mean NO ONE) wants to be done up every day. It is so time consuming living like this. You spend 2 hours everyday getting made up and perfect. That's time you could be with family and friends, or doing something meaningful. I would much rather be spending time with my husband and son or bettering myself emotionally/spiritually in some way. I truly regret the time I wasted making myself "perfect" for everyone else. That was time that I could have been something more worthwhile. It is time that I will never get back...and that is a scary thought.

I hope this post touches at least someone's heart. I would hate for anyone to be living for someone else. Choose this day to find yourself, to start the journey of loving who you are and why you specifically were put on this earth. Everyone has a purpose, and that purpose is NOT to look and be "perfect" in the distorted eyes of the world. Don't be afraid to be you.

                                                                     "Try"

                                                               Colbie Caillat

Put your make up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim
So they like you. Do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong
So they like you. Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Oh

Get your shopping on,
At the mall,
Max your credit cards
You don't have to choose,
Buy it all
So they like you. Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

No
Oh

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
Cause I like you

Living for me.

For those that read my last post, it may have gotten some mixed reactions. It was really hard for me to put a story of such great depression out there for everyone to read, but I felt that that part of my life needed to be told. I know a lot of people suffer from depression and don't even realize it or are embarrassed by it. I have overheard many conversations poking fun at depressed people or people needing to take anti-depressants. I'm not sure when that became a joking matter. I didn't write the last post to scare anyone or to make people think they still need to watch over me. I am a strong woman. I am well into my recovery and have no depressed thoughts. Ever. The point of my post was to show that things do get better, even when you feel like you've hit rock bottom. My life is wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for anything...but that's not really what I wanted to talk about today. I just felt like I kind of dropped something big and then didn't follow up with another post. Sorry about that...

Anyways, what I wanted to talk about today is a realization I had recently. I was at church when the lady that was teaching the lesson said something like "I'm sorry you'l have to suffer through my lesson", and I started thinking about a point I brought up in an earlier post about how we, as society, try to bring ourselves down to make others feel better. I then realized another reason we make tear ourselves down: for validation. We so badly want, consciously or sub-consciously, for others to tell us we're wrong and to fish for a compliment. We are looking for validation from those we interact with, but we don't just do it by saying bad things about ourselves. We also do it in the way we talk, dress, exercise...everything! We wear things that will be approved by our peers, we try to say things that we think will impress them, we work out and eat "healthy" (AKA boring, gross, bland foods that come in tiny portions) so that others will think we look good. Let's face it, I would much rather be home with my family than spending hours at a stinky gym. Why do we do this? Why are we wasting our time living for someone else? Well I decided on Sunday that I will be living for ME. That means doing things that make ME happy, creating my own style, finding out what I like without influence from anyone else. As I try and do this, I want to blog my progress. I know I can't make this 180 with just a snap of my fingers. It will take some work, but here's what has happened so far:

DAY ONE

My realization happened this past Sunday (Easter) during church. After church we would be having a big, delicious Easter dinner. Even though I am far in my recovery, it takes a long time for your brain to stop thinking about calories and fat. So my goal for dinner? Not think about the calories and just eat things that were yummy. It's also hard for me to over eat, even when it's a special occasion. But you know what? It's ok to over eat sometimes. So those were my two goals; to not think about calories or eat whatever I wanted, and to eat as much as I wanted. How did it go? I think it went pretty well. I ate the foods I wanted, went back for more sweet potatoes (YUM!!) and got dessert, even though I was quite full. Overall, a good start. 

DAY TWO

I think day two went pretty well. I went out to eat with my old roommate and my sister. I got some delicious food and really good dessert. I tried some of my sister's food and it was just a good time, focusing more on the good company rather than the food. 

DAY THREE

Day three was a really good step in starting to live for me. I split my leftovers from day two with my husband for lunch. Even though I had eaten, I was still hungry, so I kept eating. I then made a delicious dinner for me and my husband and had delicious popcorn for dessert. 

I am now on day four and so far so good. I think I'm getting the food aspect of this down, but I'm excited to try other things, like trying out different styles of clothes and doing things that I like. 

CHALLENGE

Now I'm going to challenge all of you readers to try doing this too: Start living for you. How do you start? Take a mental inventory of ALL the things you might do because of the influence of others. Trust me, you won't regret it! It had only been a few days but I already feel more free. 

I will live for me, my Heavenly Father, and my family.

Life is Good.

On December 1, 2013, I gave birth to the cutest baby you have ever seen. He has now been in my life for almost 7 weeks. As I hold him and as I watch my husband cuddle next to him, I can't but help think how lucky I am and how much I love my life. That thought then leads me to think about an event that almost destroyed this life I so greatly enjoy today.

Back in July 2012 I had been discharged from the Center for Change for about a month. I was back in Houston for the month, living with my family before I would move to Utah in August. Coming out of CFC was quite the culture shock. In the center they shelter you from the outside world and you almost forget about eating disorder/depression temptations.

While in the Center, it was brought to my attention that I had depression. How I didn't see that myself, I'm not sure, but it had gotten pretty bad. I was put on anti-depressants which seemed to really help. I was still struggling with body image and with urges to restrict. I missed being in the Center because it was a safe place with girls that I knew were truly my friends and I could really relate with them. Now I was back in Texas with all my new support members back in Utah. My family was doing so well at helping me get my feet back on the ground and I thought I was making great progress. Well that day in July, I had forgotten to take my anti-depressants. I never knew how much that would affect me.

I had had a pretty normal day and headed to my room for the night. I decided to get on Facebook before going to sleep. I started looking at pictures of friends and people I had gone to high school with. They were all posting pictures from their semesters at college and the fun things they were doing. I looked back at my college experience. I had dropped out and spent 3 months away from the real world...granted this had been the greatest 3 months in my life thus far, but that didn't matter. I saw it as I was behind everyone. I hadn't done anything with my life. I felt worthless. I felt like my life had no purpose.

These thoughts dwelled in my head for awhile. I was becoming more and more convinced that these thoughts were true. My self-esteem was plummeting. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I was in a bad spot. Before the center, I had had thoughts of not wanting to live anymore but I never had a plan to end my life. This time I started thinking of how I would do it and that only scared me more.

As I started thinking of this plan I was becoming more convinced it was really going to happen. I tried to go to sleep to see if I would feel better in the morning but my thoughts were blaring in my mind.  I knew I needed help. I grabbed my phone and text my sister, Kelcie, and my friend, Holly. I told them what was going on and that I needed their help. Kelcie sent me texts of love as Holly called me but I didn't want to pick up. I was crying too much and I didn't want to talk about it. She eventually convinced me to pick up the phone and she talked to me. I was so embarrassed that I was getting these suicidal thoughts.

After a long conversation, I was calmed down enough that I had stopped crying. I wasn't feeling better, but good enough to be able to sleep. I woke up the next morning and couldn't believe what had happened that night. I was so relieved that I hadn't gone through with it. I kept thinking about what my mom's reaction would have been if she had found me in the morning and I broke down.

I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am to be alive today. I have already experienced so many wonderful things since then. In just a year and a half later I met one of my best friends, Stephanie, I met my best friend of all time and my husband, Jonathon,  I got my first real job, I got engaged, I was sealed and married to my wonderful husband, I've been pregnant and gave birth to the most perfect son, Nolan...and those are just the big things. That's not to mention spending time with my family, strengthening my relationship with my mom, gaining a better testimony of my Father in Heaven, and getting to wake up every morning with two guys. I have a wonderful life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am grateful for everyday I'm given on this Earth.

Pregnancy and Priorities

It's been a while since I posted here. I guess I had put pressure on myself to make sure every blog I wrote had something "important" to say, but I have a feeling that as long as I'm writing about my experiences I can help maybe one person or at least help myself by going back and remembering the lessons I've learned. In saying this, I had a hard time thinking of what I wanted to write about. After quite a bit of thought, I decided to write about a couple things, from my pregnancy and how my eating disorder has affected it to the changing of an eating disorder mind set to one that is healthy and care free.

For those that don't know, I am almost 5 months pregnant. I found out on March 28, 2013 that I was pregnant, and most recently found out that I am pregnant with a wonderful little boy. Pregnancy can be a scary thing, especially for someone that dreaded gaining any weight--and I mean dreading in the most extreme sense of the word. The first probably 3 months were really hard for me. I was gaining weight and growing out of my clothes. I was getting a little belly because, of course, there was a little baby growing in me, but I hated that it wasn't a pregnant belly. I felt like it just looked like I was gaining weight and I was afraid of people thinking that rather than knowing I was pregnant.

Cravings were hard for me too. I was recently talking to my husband about my past year in recovery and I realized that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I had been. I was still scared of certain foods and I would stay clear of them, so it was hard when I started to crave these items. I think I tried a little bit to find substitutions but there was no way in tricking my kid. He knew what he wanted. In the past 2 months, however, I have been listening to those cravings and I am so much happier. I can grab a bag of potato chips and not feel guilty.

Another thing that I had to learn to cope with was that every pregnancy is different; Some people are going to gain a lot of weight in different areas and some are going to only have that balloon looking pregnant belly, some are going to start showing before others and everyone is going to gain a different amount of weight. I was so scared that I was gaining weight to quickly and too early. I was scared because I was only expecting to gain weight in my belly and that it would only be my baby. I started my pre-natal appointments doing blind weights. I didn't want to get any anxiety over my weight, except my first visit, the nurse practitioner not only told me my weight but told me the number she wanted me to be at by the end of the pregnancy when it clearly stated on my file not to do so. To my surprise, though, I found that I was completely comfortable with it and I know exactly why: I knew that my baby's health is the most important thing.

This actually brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about, which is changing an eating disorder mind set to one that is healthy and care free. I was able to put my own fears and anxieties out of mind because I knew my priorities. I knew what was more important to me: my baby. My decisions don't only effect me, but also my husband and my child. Not only will participating in eating disorder behaviors hurt me but they will tear my family apart. You may think that it only changes your life and your thoughts but when you suffer, so do the ones that love you most. They have to see you struggle and hurt yourself. Your focus on your insecurities takes away from what you can offer to them. When your mind is full of eating disorder thoughts, that takes away from the thoughts of what is truly important to you, whatever it may be. I learned this the hard way by hurting my family as they watched me ignorantly choose my eating disorder over them. I hate to admit this, but my eating disorder meant more. I say this because if my family or even my testimony in the church meant more I would have given it up in a heart beat. I can proudly say that my family and my Heavenly Father mean the most to me now. I had to realize what was actually important.

Need help taking the importance away from these destructive thoughts and behaviors? One thing I can suggest is to make a list throughout the day of what you think about and analyze what you truly think the importance of that thought is. Some say it might be easier for me to think this way because I now have to eat/care for me and a child and that I could slip back into it after having my baby, but this realization has a lasting impact on me. I realize that I want to be healthy for my children and my husband. They will always be the most important thing to me, which means I want to be here with them as long as possible. I want to give them my undivided attention and everything I have to offer and now I can say with confidence that nothing, not even my eating disorder, can keep me from achieving that.